Posts Tagged ‘who am i’

Servitude

Posted: June 15, 2015 in Ramblings
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I was catching up with a friend today over dinner and sharing a lot about my business school experience. I had a moment where I was saying I love chatting with people in the food services space. I think I usually say that it’s because I like the hope of getting free food, but it hit me that that may not be all of it.

I said “I think it’s because I feel like I should talk to them and try to make their day a bit more interesting. I think they must feel trapped having to be so nice to people.” There are probably a lot of things wrong with that statement, but I think it’s either how I view this experience to fit my own experience (like a Rorschach test) or that there’s a sad truth to it. I so often in school (and some parts of life) feel like I’m just living this dull existence where I deal with the annoying customers who want things that aren’t on the menu, have crazy demands or are otherwise bad customers, but to be service-oriented (to be likable, to not be seen as aggressive or militant and to fit in) you have to eat that crow and smile.

I started to wonder if I felt a strong bond because I too (this assuming this is the correct read) felt a sense of servitude to this way of being, this transactional (not relational) dynamic that makes me sad at my core. It’s pretty weird but I’ve always known I would never be good in the services industry and yet I’ve put myself in so many situations where I have to dull my personality to the point of wearing a metaphorical uniform and taking orders to maintain “order.”

Totally not a fully formed thought, but I’m going to think more about this and maybe write some more.

Sensitive or Diligent?

Posted: January 31, 2012 in Ramblings
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It would seem that I am being sensitive or paranoid as some might say; however, I do believe that I am being diligent.

Here’s the situation. My manager at work is responsible for my overall career development, which means that she provides all of my feedback and delivers it. She has overseen committees that I’ve been part of and has led my projects. Our relationship is how I would describe that with my mother except that maternal love (given blood lines and other mandatory ties) are absent.

I have a mentor within the company whom I confide a lot to.

Our group assigns people mentors and now my supervisor also has the same mentor as me. And guess what? No one sees this as problematic or worth notifying any parties.

Why is this potential problem? My manager hadn’t told me until today (days after being made aware), the committee didn’t inform me and the VP overseeing the process with insight into all of the relationships inside and outside of the group didn’t think it was important to let me know.

Almost everyone I asked thought I was being paranoid. However, I say these people are not diligent.

To use a comparable example. If I were you best friend and confidant, I bet you’d be upset if I became best friends with your significant other and didn’t make you aware.

Oh I bet it makes sense now.

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I want to be this guy.

I have a strong desire to have a pair of shoes that are this bright, paired with a super subtle suit. It’s actually how I would love to dress going to work everyday if I could.

I can’t even handle how much I love this, I really really can’t.

Life Update: December

Posted: December 24, 2010 in Food for Thought
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I’ve recently realized that I really just don’t have the time to do this blog justice with my commentary or relevant life updates. Part of the reason, as you may have guessed is my job.

I am finding the adjustment to the work world a lot more challenging than I would have guessed, but not just because working is ‘different’ from ‘studying or school’ as everyone at work (condescendingly) says to me.

I want to address a few things. I enjoy working, and I enjoy working even more when I feel like the cultural fit is there as I really do emphasize the importance of who I work with and not really what I do (as much). And I do think it’s condescending and ignorant to always tell me things are different from school.

On one hand, you hired me, so don’t be surprised with what you get. On the other hand, don’t assume you knew what I was like or what I’ve been through. If you had actually seen my transcript, you would have seen the smattering of As, Bs and Cs! So don’t assume that everything has been smooth sailing or that I even approach things in that manner. If anything, my inconsistent (but good overall) GPA should reflect that I only enjoy and do well in some areas – it’s all about passion and interest.

And now, a spoiler alert for those of you who haven’t seen ‘The Black Swan.’ 1. Go see it immediately 2. Stop reading here.
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Snip Snip

Posted: December 19, 2010 in Everything
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via Goodbye forever fatty

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I’ve been feeling like this recently, and like the Black Swan…but more on that in a later post.

Dr. Evil/Austin Powers

Posted: November 7, 2010 in Food for Thought
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Something that I’ve found quite interesting is the Dr. Evil/Austin Powers divide. What I mean is the hate shared between two people are actually more similar than either of them can see.

It would seem from this clip that Austin and Dr. Evil are not that similar, but if you hold out until Goldmember, we learn that they are actually brothers separated at birth. I say all of this to say that it always never surprises me when I hate people who remind me of myself – knowingly or not.

I had a student this summer who I could not stand because he was obnoxious, didn’t follow the rules, defied authority but was still quite likeable (sound familiar?). And then there’s a similar situation where people have drawn parallels between me and someone that I really have a difficult time getting along with. I don’t think we’re so similar, but someone has drawn very serious life trajectories. It could be a race x context situation, but…

I hate meeting people like myself until I realize that it’s myself that I’m hating. Long story short, i would hate to have to deal with me too.

Will you?

Posted: October 26, 2010 in Food for Thought
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i’m not sure why I’ve been feeling this way lately (well, I do a bit), but I feel like a ‘nothing.’

The way I currently feels is similar to senior spring, when I felt completely alone and isolated. There a many reasons I feel this way, but I’m not exactly sure of where to start.

First, I think this is the second time that who I am as a person (my identity) has become a vital thing I’ve been pondering. It was never an issue for me to be ‘black’ (mostly) until I was socialized into a predominantly white school, and then through the beginning of college.

I slowly warmed up to the idea after being in Chicago and feeling like I was so alone and that no one was around (or nearby) who understood me. I (re)discovered the Harvard black community and embrace my culture to the fullest.

Now that I’m working for a predominantly white company (what company isn’t) in a group that is quite diverse, I feel ‘different.’ No one cares about fashion, entertainment or sociological matters in the same way as I do.

Being in Harlem this past weekend just browsing in H&M and picking up my gym membership card, I felt a sense of ‘home’ like no other. The smell of fried fish and apple sticks was so enticing, and reminded me that I miss my blackness.

And I wonder, will my blackness still love me tomorrow?

I dearly miss it, and now realize more so than ever that my blackness is what keeps me grounded. I’m sure that’s actually surprising to many, but given my life history and surroundings, I’m about as ingrained as I could be….and I still feel like I’m missing something.

Fingah Lickin Gud

Posted: October 26, 2010 in Food for Thought
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via Goodbye forever fatty

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Apparently, I was this guy since age 2. Never liked to get my hands messy, and always had a sense of civility despite my age. And now, I have thrown that to the wind…commences the licking of the fingahs.

Mirror, Mirror

Posted: October 11, 2010 in Celebrity
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The powers that be have decided that this is what I’ve been known to act like under the influence. Honestly, I can’t lie. I could see me doing something like this and wouldn’t be surprised if there were video supporting that assertion. In any event, enjoy.

 

I’ve come to a strong conclusion this past month working in the corporate world, although my experience is skewed because of the nature of my group.

I’ve noticed that corporate culture is quite similar to heterosexual white male culture, which I would equate with hypermasculine, ‘bro’ culture. The conversations are always centered around sex (over intimacy or love), beer (or ‘brews’) and sports.

It’s a generalization, but it’s actually appallingly true.

Now black males who value these things in a black way: pussy/being a playa, liqs and ‘ball. It’s funny how those things sound familiar are regarded (disregarded) as ‘lowly’ and ‘urban.’ But aren’t they just the blackified version of what bros like?

I guess what I’m saying is that if a black male had the values of a corporate bro he would have already been arrested or dropped out of school. And the black males left to make it to the corporate world, are really more educated than their peers.

And if that is not the case, or even if the education is equal (it is), can a black man ever embrace being corporate and not the pussy-hound, player that has come to personify the hypermasculine black male?

Really, just think about it for a minute. In the words of my sociology buddy: corporate america is no different than a drug trade structure under different context.

For some odd reason, I find that I am an oddity in some regards.

Over lunch, I discovered that men and women are different species. Apparently, men need women every now and then to have a ‘real’ conversation.

Of course, I asked why two men couldn’t and the answer was that men and women ask different kinds of questions. OK.

And then it was revealed it was about intimate moments like cuddling which had to follow or precede an ‘action’.

I guess I am odd, but I thought men and women were equal in these regards. Also, some women don’t cuddle and not all men only want sex.

Or am I mature, as my mother tells me? Maybe I just don’t see into gender what most males do. Lunch makes me blush because I find the dated roles to be laughable for such educated people to follow.

Uh derrr

Posted: September 17, 2010 in Everything
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Why do I always write my new address incorrectly? And then have to follow up/edit all of my forms like a kindergardener who forgets where they live/what their phone number is?

I wanna be a grown up.

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I recently contacted my 9th grade English teacher, prompted by me having to sign into my old AOL account. That and being friended and counted by another teacher and former principal on Facebook prompted me to seek out a reunion of sorts. And guess what? It was great, but the question that always arises and angers me: how much weight did you lose?

And that question is always followed up with guess-timates that are usually never accurate or overrly exaggerated, which I guess should feel good. But for me, it doesn’t. Most of the people who lose a significant amount of weight have tried to do so, but for me it was not quite that simple. So I’m going to go into detail for maybe the first time for most people.

PRE MIDDLE SCHOOL
I was a fat baby, but which babies aren’t? And when I say fat, I don’t actually mean fat because I was no ‘Maury, I love my bahbee’ fat, but normal by baby standards – 8 lbs and 7 ounces. In any event, I was pretty lean my entire life from birth and on, and was actually on the skinnier side. I had one of those little boy with no muscle ‘six packs.’ Now my brother, he was actually ‘overweight.’

I was pretty physically active for all of these early years, playing soccer, football or any form of running game ‘hood kids play (tag, manhunt, you name it). Well that was until my brother got pissed of me hanging around with him and his friends, and said "You can’t live without going to ‘The Center’" suggesting that I couldn’t not be part of the local community center. I, of course, was offended because he always harped on how I spent so much time there – usually being active in some way.

BAM. It was a challenge, I ‘showed’ him by not going there almost two years…

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Today, the “cutest” thing happened, and yes “cute” is really the only way to describe it.

So as I was saying before, there’s a soccer camp where I’m working, and I noticed that there’s a HUGE variance in age of the kids. Some of them were actually born in the year 2000, yup, true millenial babies. If that doesn’t make you feel, old I don’t know what will.

So, I see a clearly frazzle and lost child who can be no more than 10. The mere sight of the kid elicits a “aww, al he’s a munchkin” from ‘Bucknell.’ And yes, I asked the munchkin on the verge of tears what the problem is….

Munchkin: I…[sigh/sob]…lost…my key

Me: It’s Okay, don’t worry [pats munchkin on shoulder]

I reassure the little Padawan, bring him to the front desk. They ask a 10 year old if he knows what room he’s in. Um, he’s 10 and about to cry. And guess, what he doesn’t. He hardly remembers his name so that they can look that up.

They give him a spare key and want him to bring it back. Hello, you’re talking to a kid, of course that’s too complex for him. So I walk him to his room, let him in, and bring the key back for him.

The whole thing made me feel all kinds of paternal. I’m actually pretty good with kids, even though my utter lack of disrespect and non-PC nature makes it seem like I would be bad with children. Anyway, this is proof that I have a heart.