TC: The Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Text

via Thought Catalog

Yes, modern times have made it acceptable and common to handle things the quick and easy way, but for certain people, acceptable and common is not enough. Take one minute out of your life and let your really close friend know you’re happy they were born.

According to Wikipedia, the text message was invented in the late 1980s to enhance mobile communication for the deaf – sort of like how the Internet was invented for NASA but woked out really well for porn.
Here, to help everyone behave a little better, are the Top Ten things you should never communicate in 140 characters.

(Note: the below only applies to people and situation you care about, or are trying to seem like you care about).

Big Secrets
The “forward” feature was invented to make it easy to send an exact copy of a text to many, many people. It also very conveniently allows you to alter the original message to take out things like, “Don’t tell anyone but…” for example. Tread lightly.

Sincere Apologies
Not like, “sorry I didn’t make it out last night, totally crashed.” That’s valid. More like, “I’ve been thinking about our fight and it really was dick of me to ignore you at that party cuz I was pissed from the night before.” That’s invalid, over the character limit, and bound to send you back to the doghouse for at least another day. Also, it’s not an apology.

Birthday wishes to really good friends
Please just call. And if you go to voicemail, please leave a nice message. Yes, modern times have made it acceptable and common to handle things the quick and easy way, but for certain people, acceptable and common is not enough. Take one minute out of your life and let your really close friend know you’re happy they were born.

And if you have to ask yourself if the person is a good enough friend to call versus text, they’re not.

Legit Congratulations
See above. Replace “you’re happy they exist” with “you’re so proud they won an Emmy.”

Pictures of your privates and/or brand new engagement ring
The boobs shot will get passed around like hot foreign athletes in an Olympic Village. The engagement ring will just annoy the shit out of whomever you send it to.

Passive aggressive fight starters
“Um, r u dead or just ignoring me?”

Responses to passive aggressive fight starters
“Just ignoring u”
Fact: The fastest way to escalate a fight is to conduct it over a medium that doesn’t allow for tone. Text, IM, Gchat, email, BBM – all instruments that will further the fight.

Condolences
It’s hard to convey true sorrow for any kind of loss on a 3×3 inch screen, unless what was lost is someone else’s dignity. In that case “Dude that chick was busted” works just fine.

Break-Ups
Don’t do this. Ever. If you’re asking “why?” then you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with another human.

Initiation of a first date
Last because it’s sure to elicit the most eye rolls. Listen, I think text is a wonderful tool for sending snippets of info to speed up communication and save cell phone minutes (if those even still exist). I also acknowledge that it’s very nerve-wracking to make that first date set-up call and very easy to type, “Hey, it’s Joe from last night. Want 2 hang Fri?” Bottom line, if you’re too nervous to call me, you’re too nervous to date me.

TC: 6 Things You Can Do While Waiting For Someone To Text You Back

via Thought Catalog

1. Talk to someone about how much you hate waiting for a text message
Nothing pains me more than waiting for a VIP text message. Whether it’s a text from your ex, someone you’re planning on having sex with later, or your drug dealer telling you to go to some seedy location, you’ll be kept on pins and needles until your phone vibrates and makes that luscious beautiful sound that indicates that you have a new message. To distract myself during the lull between messages, I’ll often try to get into a conversation with someone. It never works though because I’m just continually checking my phone throughout the discussion and being an absent-minded jerk. This can be especially insulting if your friend is actually broaching a serious talk. “Oh my god, you feel depressed and suicidal? Cool….wait! I’m going to DIE because he just texted me back and said, “Okay!”” Can you believe it? Sweet jesus!” I suggest that you just cut the crap and only talk about how much it sucks to wait for a text. It may seem small but trust me, this talk can last for hours. People have a lot of experience and anecdotes to share.
2. Stay away from alcohol
It might seem like a swell idea to pour yourself a glass of wine while you wait for a text but, um, it’s not. One glass can quickly turn into six and then before you know it you’re sending a slew of texts to your flaky sender that go something like, “hellooooo where r u hi im here waiting 4 u.” FIVE MINUTES LATER. “you know what’s really fun? when you don’t text me back. it’s the funnest thing you could ever do to me so thanks for giving me this gift of fun.” TEN MINUTES LATER. “i just don’t understand you. why are you doing to me? do you know how this feels? how hard it is to send a text? it takes 30 seconds. i just timed it. i literally just set a timer.” 20 MINUTES LATER. “i’m assuming you’re trapped underground or dead at this point. there’s no way you could actually be seeing these texts and ignoring them lol. hello?”

3. Take a long shower
Taking a long shower can be a great way to pass the time while waiting for a text. You can wash your hair for twenty minutes, sing along to your iPod, touch yourself, and blare out the sound of the outside world AKA your phone. Be warned though. If you don’t have a new text message waiting for you when you get out, you could experience crushing disappointment and losing your mind while wearing a towel is never cute.

4. Take Xanax
I mean, duh. That’s what it’s there for. It even says so on the bottle: “Reduces anxiety caused by everyday technology.”

5. Take a very long subway ride
Since you don’t get reception underground, taking the subway to a far away place like Coney Island could be just the thing you need to avoid someone not texting you back. Just like taking a shower, however, your sojourn to the boonies could make you feel doubly let down if you don’t have a message waiting for you above ground.

6. Binge eat
Pretend an Oreo is a text message and just eat 60 of them. Every time you eat one, imagine it to be the most glorious text message response ever. Oreo # 1: “U R Beautiful and I would like to have sex with you!” Oreo # 2: “Would you like to come to this amazing party with me tonight? The Olsen Twins will be there!”

Haven’t we all been here…

Fun Links

4sq Funnies – Four Square’s humorous badges…

Dear Blank, Please Blank – A funny site that is pretty much what the name suggests.

Daddy, Pictures – A photog dad awesomely captures his children in funny scenarios.

Can you just text me? – Apparently, older people like speaking and younger people like texting. Shock.