via Tumblr on 10/22/11
via Tumblr on 10/22/11
via Thought Catalog
So you’ve just moved to New York. By all means, be bright eyed and bushy-tailed, because that is a good way to start things out. There are inevitably going to be some things that will be different from home, and these might irritate you initially. Over time you will begin to acclimate yourself to the unique features of this massive metropolis, and you might even start to like some of them. Frankly, the sooner you do the better. Therefore, in the spirit of public service, here’s a short list of things you’re going to have to get used to now that you’re here.
Going out is unpredictable
You’ve just arrived in New York, and you intend to enjoy yourself in Brooklyn. You hear about a show around Myrtle-Broadway at a well-known DIY venue. The cover sounds low, one of the bands is fairly well known, and 89 people have RSVP’d on Facebook. At least three of your friends text you that they’re going, so you assemble a group and make the trek through the projects to get there. You arrive at the door, which is surrounded by kids in black clothing who look like prostitutes from the 80’s. You notice that some of them look like they’re sulking. Upon entering, you notice that the place seems somewhat . . . sparsely populated. You still want to see that band, but the place has a vaguely forlorn vibe, now that the night’s turned out to be a bit of a bust. And the people at the front table are suddenly trying to charge ten dollars.
You are learning an important lesson: Hype can be very misleading in New York. Going out in general can be quite hit-or-miss. Sometimes something great happens and just the right amount of people show up. Most of the time, if something’s good it is either swarmed or inexplicably shunned. This is why New Yorkers tend not to go out in large groups. You need to preserve your mobility, cuz anything can happen. There are a couple venues that are really reliable right now for a good time, but I’m not going to say what they are. Ask one of your friends from the section below.
Everyone will talk to you
If you come from a middle-sized city, it’s probably a more traditionally snobby city than New York. That’s not to say that New York doesn’t have a tradition of snobbery. It’s just that the rampant network-y, capitalist spirit that animates New York leads to a situation where almost anyone will talk to you, regardless of social capital or class. People want to know who you are, whom you might be connected to, and what that means for them.
For this reason, ordinary people seem to be allowed into rich-people parties. You don’t even know where those happen back home! This is because traditional snobs in normal-sized cities know for sure who’s important and who’s not, and when confronted with unimportant people are much more likely to simply not respond when addressed, or, my favorite, allow their eyes to glaze and pass over the outline of your silhouette. You don’t exist.
In New York, everyone exists and doesn’t exist at the same time.
People don’t give a shit about history, politics, current events, etc.
I mean they really don’t give a shit. They give so little of a shit about those things that sometimes they actually enjoy discussing them due to the novelty factor. Somehow that’s even more irritating than apathy. Get used to it though, because no one in this city has time to worry about the big picture – they’re trying to survive, dammit! You’re not going to change this place, so get on with your hustling and just pretend you live in a dictatorship.
This brings us to our next thing:
There is no counter-culture
First of all, no one is rebelling against anything. I guess it would be hard to know where to begin, since everything here is totally fucked. But what this means is that that no one pretends that art, literature and music have any function other than commerce. You will find that almost anything creative that happens in New York is instantly re-contextualized as a product and marketed through social media. After all, how are people supposed to survive these crazy rents if they don’t at least try to monetize everything around them? You will meet more people than ever before using the term “personal brand” without a trace of irony. In your old city people played this game, but they would never acknowledge it so openly.
Like most new experiences in this city, you will actually come to find it quite refreshing.
via Thought Catalog
1. Mail something
Whenever I have to mail something, I have a mini panic attack. First, I have to get stamps, which seems super daunting because I have no idea where they’re sold. Can I get one at my vegan co-op later or maybe the guy I’m sleeping with from Ok Cupid has some at his apartment. IDK! Then there is the terrifying dilemma of acquiring an envelope. Once you manage to get these two things, you have to somehow put them together and handwrite things. Lastly, you have to search for something called a mailbox. I’ve heard about mailboxes in movies but I’ve yet to see one in real life. Honestly, flying Virgin to give someone something seems more feasible these days. Like I’ve heard of the band The Postal Service but I didn’t know that it was based on a real thing, okay?
2. Call someone on the phone
Phone conversations are reserved solely for job interviews and awkward shame-spiraling conversations with your parents. “Dad, I know I’ve been interning for a year but I really think they’re going to hire me soon. Can’t you just respect that I’m having a hard time right now?” I love texting people really serious things and then ignoring them when they then call in a panic. “Yesterday was really hard emotionally. I think I’m moving back home.” RING, RING. “Um, I’m in a movie right now. Can’t talk.” When I say that I love doing this, I really mean “What the hell is wrong with my generation? Pick up your damn phone. I can see that you’ve just tweeted something. Don’t insult me!”
3. Say no
Saying no to things is really hard in your twenties. “Sure, I’ll go to lunch with you even though I would rather eat glass. Sure, I’ll go to your house party in Crown Heights because it’s Saturday night and I just finished watching every episode of Ally McBeal on Netflix Instant. Sure, I’ll do opium tea. Sounds scary but whatever!” You haven’t been screwed over enough yet to reject everything like you do in your thirties. I mean, I’m nowhere near thirty but I hope it involves being able to say no to a lot of things. Is this true? Can I say no on my thirtieth birthday?
4. Save money/ make money/ do anything positive with money
Money: How do you make it? How do you make a lot of it and not spend it all when you’re wasted? I really wish Suze Orman would help a twentysomething sister out. Like how do you get from Point Starving And Eating 2 Dollar Falafel Glamour to Point Taking This Twenty Dollar Cab Is NBD And I Might Go On Vacay For A Sec Because I’m Worth It. Do you ever wonder how everyone survives? Like where does their money come from? How do they have it because you know they aren’t getting paid anything at their job. There must be a secret trust fund I’m unaware of. That, or I just live in wealthy cities.
5. Tell the truth/ commit to plans
Lying is a twentysomething’s full-time job. Whether it’s to get out of pre-existing plans, composing our resumes, or admitting the amount we drank last night, we always seem to be covering our tracks and stretching the truth. I mostly lie to get out of pre-existing plans. As a result, I think my friends think I’m perpetually hungover and vomiting, which I AM, OKAY? Don’t let anyone tell you different…
6. Speak in proper English
Sowwy we can’t. We love to type lYkE disS (4 irony) and speak in abrevs.
I love watching a movie while writing and texting and maybe masturbating while hanging out with my best friends!!! Wait, what were you saying again? You’re leaving your boyfriend and becoming a nun? OMG, hold on. Let me just finish this text real quick and then we can talk about it.
via The Sartorialist
The beauty is in the di-color simplicity.
via Village Voice
Yesterday we broke records — RECORDS! — in terms of how much it rained. (Truthfully, we humans had little to do with this and instead sat inside and bravely complained or maybe got trapped in flooding elevators.) If you did go outside, it was probably to run an errand or two, and you surely carried an umbrella. Buthow did you carry it? Because, it has come to our attention, just as there are many types of bad pedestrians, there are also some really awful umbrella carriers out there who are breaking the laws of etiquette and man. These people could poke an eye out, or somebody else’s eye out, and that would be bad. After the jump, the definitive Runnin’ Scared Umbrella Users Guide. Please, share with your friends, for the good of all.
• Don’t: Unless you are a family of four, and plan to travel under an umbrella as such, along with all of your worldly goods, do not buy a family-of-four-sized golf umbrella and use it on the streets of Manhattan, or even in the outer boroughs. Do not get such an umbrella at your office picnic for free and think, because it’s free, you can use it to proclaim to your fellow pedestrians that you own the space underneath it, because you do not, unless you are very, very tall and other pedestrians can move underneath your umbrella freely with their own large-size umbrellas. And even in that case, be careful: These umbrellas engender hatred among city-dwelling humans, who will rise up and smite you.
• Do: Buy a crappy little compact umbrella on the street, or from Duane Reade, because any city umbrella is going to break within two to three uses anyway, and if it costs more than $10 you’re going to insist on continuing to carry it, or on trying to fix it, and you’ll probably spike someone on the head with it, and they’ll attempt to sue. Livelihoods have been lost on less.
• Don’t: Throw your broken umbrella on the street when you’re done with it. Put it in a trashcan, dude. Did you grow up in an umbrella barn or something?
• Do: If you notice that your umbrella is broken, with a dangerous-looking spike poking from one or more of its sides, and you can’t replace it immediately and it’s raining, carry it carefully, spike forward, where you can keep an eye on it. Don’t use it to threaten others, unless they try to sidle up to you and inconspicuously share your umbrella space without asking. Spike those fuckers.
• Do: When your umbrella is blown by the wind and inside-outs itself, feel free to look at whomever is passing and give them that mutual "Life is so embarrassing, I can’t even control my own umbrella!" shrug. It happens to everyone, you know? Then pretend to be Mary Poppins.
• Do: When walking on a crowded street, pay attention to people. If you are short, and passing tall people, lower your umbrella slightly so that it passes under theirs. If you are tall, raise it to clear other people’s umbrellas as you pass by. Tilt your umbrella left or right to avoid smacking others in the face with it. Never stand in the middle of the street swirling your umbrella around unless you’d like to get smacked. This is common courtesy.
• Don’t: Wear one of those frog-umbrella hats, unless you are under 5 years old.
• Do: Once inside, on the subway or in the elevator or in your office, close your umbrella and carry it tip pointed down, close to your body. Let it drip on the floor if necessary. Don’t put it on the seat or person next to you, if there is a seat or person next to you. While carrying your umbrella through the streets when it’s not in use, keep it pointed down so as not to stab someone. Or hand it to the nearest stranger with a hearty "Thanks!"
• Don’t: Shake your umbrella like a dog shakes its coat after a dip in the ocean. Unless you’re standing next to someone you really hate. Then, adopt the look your dog has while doing so. You can’t be mad at a dog.
• Do: Check before opening your umbrella. Bad things can happen. Jewelry you have stored there for years might fall out and be lost forever!
• Do: If your umbrella is lost or stolen, locate the nearest possible culprit and chase them down the street or demand a replacement umbrella from the establishment from which your umbrella has gone missing, even if it wasn’t their fault, exactly, and it’s not like they’re an umbrella store. Don’t take no for an answer. So what if it’s a broken $5 street umbrella? What’s yours is yours! On that note, don’t steal someone else’s umbrella, unless it’s much better than yours.
• Don’t: Be one of those assholes who insists on carrying an open umbrella when it’s not raining. And please don’t sing in the rain.
via Thought Catalog
Marble Hill– Basically the Bronx
Inwood– So far away, why bother
Washington Heights– Good to know Spanish here
Morningside Heights– Columbia trying to make ‘SoHa’ happen
Sugar Hill– Bougie, once upon a time
East Harlem– Sneaker capital of the world
Upper East Side– Old people love it
Upper West Side– Your nanny and kids love it
Columbus Circle– Tenth circle of hell
Rockefeller Center– No one lives here, I hope
Diamond District– Not as fun as it sounds
Theater District– Overdressed people with no style
Turtle Bay– Home of drink specials and wings
Midtown East– Drink here until you’re 21
Tudor City– What is this, even
Times Square– Nightmare for epileptics and everyone
Hell’s Kitchen– Great place to pick up hookers
Garment District– Better name: Bedazzled Ringer-Tee Row
Herald Square– There’s a Macy’s and other stuff
Koreatown– Korean BBQ and karaoke FTW
Murray Hill– Frat boys graduate then move here
Union Square– Wallet hasn’t been stolen? Go shopping
Kips Bay– “It’s a hell of a town”
NoMad– Nickname never stuck, mark as ‘Irrelevant’
Chelsea– Homophobic need not apply
Flatiron District– Looking for SVA? Check American Apparel
Stuyvesant Town– You’ll get lost here if stoned
Meatpacking District– Avoid roofies in your $18 cocktail
Alphabet City– Most expensive place to get stabbed
East Village– Score ramen, a tattoo, or heroin
Little Italy– There are some Italian flags here
Greenwich Village– You can’t afford that townhouse, sorry
West Village– NYU and lots of blue hair
Lower East Side– Narrow bars; be skinny to enter
SoHo– Don’t wear heels here
Chinatown– ‘No smoking’ in bars doesn’t apply
TriBeCa– Celebrities live here, for some reason
South Street Seaport– Where the best buskers perform
via The Sartorialist
via The Daily What
The Village Voice gives 50 reasons why it’s awesome to live in NYC…
47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.
44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding…just before the doors close.
39. Sure, we work out next to Alec Baldwin, Padma Lakshmi, and Bridget Moynahan, and walk the streets with Willem Dafoe, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Tina Fey, but, really, we’re kinda too busy with our own lives to notice.
38. Drinking is like breathing. Or slightly more acceptable.
37. Because it’s not enough to just love New York. New York needs to love you back, too. Hey, we have high standards.
36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)
30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.
26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn’t mean they’re sane, but at least no one’s boring.)
25. Except in select ‘hoods like Park Slope and perhaps the Upper West Side, children are viewed as mysterious beings, rarely sighted and only occasionally understood, like pixies or magical small butlers. Until they scream, in which case, they are banished from the palace.
24. When you fly back into the city after a vacation or business trip, no matter how long you’ve lived here, you get that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling.
23. Efficiency in a drugstore checkout line.
22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!
20. Yelling “fuck” is just a mild obscenity.
10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.
9. Jaywalking is an art form.
7. Subway “prewalking,” in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.
6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren’t found until a year later, you won’t be the first.
2. There is absolutely no reason to ever drink and drive. Added bonus: Spontaneous, fascinating conversations with cab drivers.
1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?
I was recently shown an awesome and perhaps sad link about demographics and diversity.
It’s very cool because it visualizes diversity in a very digestible manner, and makes it painfully obvious how segregated some cities are. But here’s the question. Would you rather live in LA, where the diversity is plentiful but seems to represents distant ‘turfs’, SF, the rainbow city it would seem, or NY, where the segregation seems most apparent?
As a critique of this infographic, the density of the NYC makes those contrasts seem large and much more segregated than say LA. But if you had to choose and consider how much you actually would need to travel to see other races, I think NYC might win hands down. And SF really is that diverse, every person I saw around looked very ethnically ambiguous. Yay(?)!
What would really spruce this up? Overlaying traffic maps. We all know that integrated map areas don’t matter if a major highway accounts for these ‘borders.’
It would seem from this article that everything about living in New York, a place that draws nearly 25% of Harvard’s graduates, sucks. And that everyone is leaving New York City in a mass exodus.
I do agree with many of the points the Onion makes although it’s interesting to note that my opinion has definitely changed after living here for a few weeks. I used to not notice the smell of urine, but it seems to be a ubiquitous smell here.
I do feel relieved that Los Angeles is full of it’s smugness and is too evacuated. Really isn’t it all relative?
Guess who I ran into on the street in New York today? Diandra Forrest! She’s a model with albinism, which makes is kinda funny in that the event probability of seeing a celebrity albino is the union intersection* of the two events (aka highly unlikely). Oh, and after googling some things, I found out she is in Kanye’s ‘Power’ “moving painting.”
*See comment below for correction. I am terrible at math and science, so holla at me when you see I’ve ignored the actual rules of either. Holla at your boy, I only just passed LS1b and Math 1b, but it wasn’t hardly the “Gentleman’s B.”