Posts Tagged ‘love’

Deep Issues

Posted: February 6, 2013 in Ramblings
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I haven’t blogged in months, partly because I attempted to start a new project…and because I am who I am, I start and don’t often complete projects. Since I last blogged, a lot has happened. I’m seeing someone, started a new job and have been endlessly torturing myself internally. The amount of relief I get from writing is why I’m back, and can’t speak to if this will be a more permanent return.

I have been having sessions with Dr. S, and have revealed some very deep issues that I have. I don’t easily trust people, I don’t really like myself, I have an extreme desire to please others, and I feel alone. I have been processing a lot of these realizations, but they really all gelled together recently with hearing a song. I played that song on repeat for 7 days straight, on the subway, at work, in the shower, etc.

I don’t trust people easily, I put up a wall, I become more rigid around strangers because of a massive fear of rejection. I believe that putting up a wall will protect me from a world of hurt, and I consequently shut out people who don’t intend to hurt and somehow still let in those crafty enough to let me let my guard down. I think my fear of rejection stems from what’s been identified by Dr. S as a very poor self-image and low self esteem. I don’t enjoy being photographed, I don’t often look in the mirror, I took take pride in what I wear/etc and rely on this notion that my ‘natural state’ is good enough and a sign that I’m beyond caring. Yet, the very opposite is true, as I seem to care greatly about the opinion of others.

I have built up so much of my life on the opinion of others. Having been neglected as a child, having a brother who received all of the attention, I learned to differentiate myself with my intellect. I’ve built up an entire ego or core on my brain, something that could never be taken from me and up until recently has always helped me. Now, it seems that I’m realizing that I can come off as condescending, that my intelligence is palpable and the crux of this is that I’m trying to prove my intellect…continually. This isn’t something that I had realized, but Dr. S has pointed out some actions that lead me to believe that much of what I do is truly to impress others, and to regain that attention that I never had — doing so in the way that has always worked for me. Black kid who is smart is rare in many parts, and propelled me through school. Now in this corporate environment, it’s become something of a liability. I know that I’m smart, and I constantly try to prove that (implicitly) and that’s off putting.

All of this feeds into a desire to please people, take on as many challenges as possible and kill myself in my current job. I haven’t really taken the time for myself, to treat myself; instead, I have been running from a fear of loneliness. Being smart, being XYZ hasn’t done much to help me make friends, get into a relationship or be successful at work (to some degree, yes, but in other ways, no). I fear that because everything I do is to please others or the approval of others, if I stopped doing that I would be alone. I truly don’t care what others think (for the most part), but I also hate being alone. How can I reconcile being myself and still wanting to be around people? I haven’t yet found a balance, but my solution has usually been to cater to others. While those who know me will find this hard to believe, I cater more to others than one could ever really imagine — relative to what I want to do.

So why is this all important? I have had these realizations over a month long period of time in a piece meal fashion, and the main linkage was this song from Glee.

When I listen to every word that is being sung in this song, it kills me. I didn’t know why it had such an effect on me when I first heard it. However, after several days and 1000s of listens: it hit me. I have such a fear of rejection, being alone and building walls that I don’t know how to let someone love me. I don’t even think I know what love is — and if I did, would I be able to recognize and appreciate it?

Much as you blame yourself, you can’t be blamed for the way you feel
Had no example of a love, that was even remotely real
How can you understand something that you never had
Ooh baby if you let me, I can help you out with all of that

Let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself

The way I’ve constructed myself is so disastrous for me. It’s crazy how  the lyrics of this song echo all of me not knowing from a lack of an example of what love is — and here I mean this much more broadly than romantic love. How can I understand something that I’ve never had? How can I appreciate something I’ve never felt before? And then It hit me: If I never learn to love myself, how can I ever let anyone love me?

I can see the pain behind your eyes
It’s been there for quite a while
I just wanna be the one to remind what it is to smile
I would like to show you what true love can really do

And then the song continues, and I realize that maybe so many have seen the pain behind my eyes but I’ve never really felt comfortable letting anyone ‘in.’ And the few that I have or who have come close, I usually push away. It’s actually such a depressing realization. And I couldn’t for the life of me understand why this song stayed glued to my brain until it finally hit me. And then I think — have I met this person to make me feel this way, or is this what I’m looking for? And will I ever find it if I haven’t, and could I ever really know?

And that felt good to put to paper.

The high notes (falsetto?) on this is just everything. It makes you really just want to be in love, like just imagine someone singing their love for you like this. I’m claiming this as my ‘wedding’ song, although I am not the marrying type.

Dating words of wisdom

Posted: September 15, 2012 in Everything
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People are attracted to what they see in themselves…you like broken people that manipulate you.

IRL Love: Birth of the GIF

Posted: March 13, 2012 in Videos
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True Love Doesn’t Wilt

Posted: March 1, 2012 in Everything
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via bluetealeaves

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via bluetealeaves

“My body is a dead language and you pronounce each word perfectly.” – Unrequited Love Poem, Sierra DeMulder (via hypnobate)

This Time – John Legend

Posted: February 27, 2012 in Videos
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I was in a coffee shop on a date yesterday and heard this song, and I could barely concentrate.

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me.

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don’t say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

Love(ly) Razor

Posted: February 27, 2012 in Everything
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via Goodbye forever fatty
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1 + 1 – Beyonce

Posted: November 13, 2011 in Videos
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Beyonce’s latest video ‘1+1’ that I initially hated when I saw the director’s cut, and I still don’t find to be a particularly interesting video. And then I realized why this song and video are epic.

If you are in that ‘madly, truly, deeply’ kind of love, these lyrics while silly at their essence really speak to that experience. When you’re in that deep, it really is only about the 2 of you.

‘You really have nothing but love.’

Now in looking at the video I understand that this is not for me, this is for the men that is inspiring Beyonce’s words. It’s sensual to him, and it’s a true expression of how his love makes her feel. The fact that I don’t ‘feel’ anything with this video reminds me that it’s not about me.

But damn, I can’t wait until I see this type of expression of love. That will be a day that the essence of ‘1+1’ will not just ring true, but will inspire me to say some really dumb things like

‘I don’t know much about algebra, but I know that this much is true.’

Love Aversion

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Food for Thought
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via Goodbye forever fatty

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I’m not sure of what the deal is with me lately, but I think I’m just not up to dating or being physically and emotionally naked with someone. Something has been off, and I don’t exactly know what it is. To make matters worse, I’m experiencing a skin allergy that I’m sure is partly if not mostly mental but definitely related to this.

Evidence:

I’m waiting for you to ask me out on a date. 8:51 PM
Me: I’m socially inept at times – when are you back? 8:53 PM
Sunday. It’s cool. I just don’t want to be too aggressive if your not interested in getting to know me beyond friendship 8:57 PM
Me: You’re not being too aggressive, I’m just slow and somewhat relationship averse. We should hang again to see where it can go 11:10 PM
Cool 11:12 PM
Me: I just got out of a relationship in May (if I didn’t mention that to you before) 11:13 PM+
Oh I see 11:14 PM
I’m not trying to rush into anything. 11:18 PM
Me: Cool cool

Kids define Love

Posted: July 11, 2011 in Everything
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via Tumblr

Actual Children’s Answers to The Question “What Is Love?”

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” – Chrissy, age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” – Terri, age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” – Danny, age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” – Emily, age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” – Bobby, age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” – Nikka, age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” – Noelle, age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” – Tommy, age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” – Cindy, age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” – Clare, age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” – Elaine, age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” – Chris, age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” – Mary Ann, age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” – Lauren, age 4

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” – Rebecca, age 8

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” – Karen, age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” – Jessica, age 8

A-dor-a-ble

So torn

Posted: June 9, 2011 in Food for Thought
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It’s like, you’re so perfect (physically attractive) that I can’t even imagine you with someone else. Yet, I don’t want ugly friends.

Confilct. Dilemma.

Love Suicide

Posted: December 17, 2010 in Uncategorized
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via Goodbye forever fatty

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Something about this image is so deep, especially because of how simple it is. A heart-shaped noose, the shadow in the background and the tactile feeling you get from the rope’s material…Why didn’t we analyze things like this in B-24?

I guess this is too much like a TAT and would reveal how fucked up some of us are and our love life histories. I can’t say I’ve been hurt by love because I really haven’t loved significantly, but I do feel a sudden empathetic wave of emotions that makes me feel like I’ve experienced a thousand heartbreaks.

But back to the photo, and its significance as a symbol. Killing yourself with love – but whose love, and is it voluntary? And the doubling of the heart noose signifies a shadow of love or really an unreturned love. I’m just loving this image. It reminds me of the black swan and how deep the imagery of that movie relates to a much bigger message.

LIKE: Reversible Jeans

Posted: November 21, 2010 in Fashion
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via Fashion Indie

A Reversible Pair of Jeans, Finally!

Just what every college student and young 20something needs.

Harvard/Creativy/Love

Posted: September 14, 2010 in Ramblings
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I am in serious withdrawal from creativity. Reading the fashion, technology and art blogs, as well as blogging itself, is my only creative outlet. And since the lack of internet in my lack, I just feel so cranky.

Aside from feeling like a non-human, or at least one of this century without access to high speed internet, I feel like I’m not connected with everything and everyone that I enjoy talking to. It’s funny because I could obviously text and talk, but I just don’t even feel like we live in those times anymore.

So why is this relevant? I think I’ve realized that the only thing that will make me do well at work is having a creative outlet at home. I’ve been having trouble recently being analytical (read: boring) because I have so much that I want to express, but no place to do.

The people at work, are exactly what you’d expect in corporate America. As a result, all references to Gossip Girl, trash tv, teen movies and fashion or media is going under most people’s radar. So I guess I’m saying to avoid my blabbering at work about things that are super unrelated in our meetings, I need to blog. Yup, I need it.

I took a lot of time to think about it, and debated if maybe I should seek a career in a more creative area. And then I realized the pay is low and the people are too creative and not nearly analytical/OCD enough for my tastes. So this is really the best outcome, to be a creative analyst than an analytical creative type.

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