Posts Tagged ‘disney’

via Thought Catalog

In order to bag a Princess/live happily ever after/be a hero, princes have to be: ripped, two weeks away from coming into their inheritance, live in a castle, and have a face like looking directly at an orgasm.
God, I love Disney so much. In my spare time, I have been known to create entire dances to various Disney songs, and have not yet met princess fan art I won’t stare at for a decent 15 minutes while thinking, “Damn, I wish I could draw.” But it hasn’t all been smooth sailing; I’ve had to put up with a fair amount of deception — we all have. And here, the most significant lies told to me by my childhood guiding light:

1. If You’re Pretty Enough, You Can Communicate With Animals

From Pocahontas to Snow White to Giselle, pretty much any girl with a button nose and a decent wardrobe can just pick squirrels off a tree and get it to help her run her errands. I remember, at one point, going out into the woods behind my house when I was about 8 or so and trying to get the birds to come to me by sing-whistling at them. For a while, I was convinced that it didn’t work because I wasn’t a molten-hot princess in a super pretty dress. We were taught to believe that there was a certain class of women whose appeal and charm extended past princes to actually bring all manner of fauna to their side at their will. It was something of a disappointment when you started watching The Discovery Channel and realized that the people who actually spend their time figuring out the communication techniques of deep-sea squid were named Kevin and had more hair on their back than their head, and the squid didn’t dance around the research boat helping them clean the crew cabin.

2. Incredibly Rich, Hot, Popular Guys Are Husband Material

As much as Disney Princesses give girls a pretty tough standard to live up to in terms of beauty, wardrobe, and general behavior — the guys have it pretty bad, too. In order to bag a Princess/live happily ever after/be a hero, they have to be: ripped, two weeks away from coming into their inheritance, live in a castle, and have a face like looking directly at an orgasm. They have to be pretty perfect. And the thing is, guys that are beautiful, come from rich families, athletic, and charming do exist — look at Armie Hammer. The thing is, though, they are almost universally assholes. Remind me of that guy from high school who lived in that Victorian manor on the good side of town, and was captain of the lacrosse team, and had eyes like pools of sapphires, and a chest like Rambo — and he was super sweet and awesome and sacrificed everything to be with you? Oh, right, no. That guy’s diet was probably 40 percent jungle juice, and he only liked talking about the BMW that his dad leased for him. Not husband material, by any stretch of the imagination.

5. Disobeying Your Parents Can Only Yield Fabulous Results

I remember when Ariel was like, “Betcha on land, they understand, that they don’t reprimand their daughters,” and six-year-old me was like “Hoo child, if only. If only,” and then we smoked a cigarette together and commiserated about getting grounded. But in all seriousness, Disney films have been chock full of zesty young women breaking free from their overbearing parents and running off into the sunset to…get married several weeks later. And though my goal wasn’t necessarily to walk down the street past my bedtime and go get engaged to the neighbor boy, it certainly planted this idea in my head that if Belle can ditch her father and get a castle library out of it, I could at least probably stretch my TV-watching privileges past 7:30. Little did we know, though, that running away dramatically from your parents and doing the exact opposite of what they have decreed for you usually ends in crucial childhood privileges being taken away, including the right to watch the very movies we were getting our bad habits from. We should have left the rebellion to the Princesses, who had all those talking animals to help them in their exploits.

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Royals | Disney

Posted: May 22, 2011 in Everything
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via The Daily What

Morning Links

Ivy x Money – Apparently, an Ivy-league education does not guarantee you’ll make the most money. In other obvious news, characteristics specific to you determine your success…except prestige helps minorities make more.

Really, Disney? – Disney has a ‘social network’ for kids under age 10…just stop, really.

Obvious: Profiling x NYC – The NYPD stopped enough black men last year to populate WYOMING. An entire state…

Are you bi-winning? – Charlie Sheen lost his mind and went on ABC creating the most about of lols and blank stares of ever…maybe since Whitney demanded to see the receipts! Links to his quotes set to New York cartoons…

Affective Priming – Is our mood/emotional state affected by objects we’re primed with (hot liquids making us believe people are ‘warmer’?)

Mogli x Modernity

Posted: February 27, 2011 in Everything
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via Goodbye forever fatty

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I mean, yes this is offensive…but it seems likely given how things ‘are.’

Disney’s Hipster Princess

Posted: February 26, 2011 in Everything
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via The Daily What

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Why is this so amazing? Hipsters, you fucking win. You make everything so much more lolsy.

Disney x GTFO

Posted: December 14, 2010 in Everything
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via Goodbye forever fatty

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    Disney Movies: Pogo Remixes

    Posted: December 9, 2010 in Videos
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    via ONTD

    These remixes are kinda trippy….