Posts Tagged ‘axp’

Infinite ‘Why Loop’

Posted: September 20, 2012 in Food for Thought
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I spoke with my director at work recently and realized that my favorite question, my claim to fame, my entire essence of being is setting me up for disaster. 

My favorite question:

Why?

It has made my teachers salivate because I seem engaged, it has established a niche for me within my friend circle and has been met with mixed reviews in my work place.

He major knowledge that was dropped is that when one asks ‘why’ it is great, but you can get trapped in a ‘why loop’ if you don’t focus enough on the ‘what.’ 

Think about it this way, once you start asking why you can never stop asking why. It is the intellectual’s dilemma. I am too much of an intellectual, and am trying to reframe my happiness so that I can find value (in things other than the quest for ‘why?’). 

When he said this to me, I was just like

Wow, that is heavy. It’s so deep, yet so real. Wow, that’s heavy. 

Ready to move on?

Posted: August 20, 2012 in Ramblings
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Much like that grandpa who should with good reason, leave up out the club when he sees the average age of the crowd is 25…I feel like I need to leave my group at work.

I’m mostly bored with the development opportunities and challenging roles one takes to build toward something as they approach their two-year mark (although most leave in 18 months). Now that I’m reaching the end of what the normal time frame is, and going beyond that, I’m tired.

Maybe I just need a long vacation to recharge, but the passive aggressiveness, the feedback, the lack of results and the nitty gritty focus on details is making me want to leave sooner rather than later.

But my real feelings are reflected in this e-card

20120820-223858.jpg

JCQ Says…

Posted: July 16, 2012 in Everything
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JCQ: Do you think I have Aspergers?
Me: No, you’re just otherwise not well socially adjusted

JCQ: What does that mean?
Me: …or said another way, you find this group’s social environment limiting. so you challenge it
JCQ: I think I am, I just choose not to be. it’s fun to be obnoxious
Me: Clearly

JCQ: Maybe one day you and SMM can tag-psycho analyze me
Me: eh, maybe
JCQ: or would it be some hannibal lector shit where I would reverse psycho analyze you? I don’t now, just throwing it out there
Me: Haha. It would probably be the hannibal lector scenario at least with SMM

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Corp Bits: Malicious

Posted: June 15, 2012 in Everything
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(email response)
Associate: I’m not sure you know what ‘malicious’ means.

(email forward)

Analyst 2: Really malicious.

Office communicator chat (later forwarded on):
Analyst 1: dude you told me you had a strict workout regime
Analyst 1: just crushing iron after work
Analyst 2: that was before the [hardcore project]
Analyst 2: now, i just crush my chair at work

Corp Bites: Drowning

Posted: May 22, 2012 in Everything
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One added benefit of my job is that we hire people from the ‘other consulting firms, which gives us the ‘best’ of what everyone else has to offer at a better pay / hour (we work less hours, get comparable pay at a lower prestige place).

One consequence of this is that you often get that McKinsey mindset and expectations but a capability or tolerance that is not so. That is today’s situation. I feel a bit like I’m drowning in slides and deck changes. It’s actually causing me to stress eat to the max (I just finished off about a full sleeve of chocolate chip cookies).

I am super excited for my end of June return. I don’t mind the occasional push, but I definitely did not sign up for this type of lifestyle. I am however managing perceptions, doing as told and achieving. The cost of my soul = additional weight put on, sleep lost, happiness lost and ‘experience gained’

Corp Bites: Missing Me

Posted: May 10, 2012 in Everything
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Last year I was told that no one thought of me when they thought of our alumni reception which I was integral in planning and executing. My manager said that I didn’t self-promote enough and even though she and the overseer of that reception meeting bi-weekly, my impact was minimized. So I thought: OK, I guess my value is nil here.

Now one full year later, and the reception happens again and from my understanding the process is a bit less refined and organized. And my manager tells me that my presence is definitely missed. Oh, so now you see what I’m worth? I mean…I guess…

My key takeaway is that my manager does not appreciate me for what I bring to the table because she doesn’t understand what I have to offer. As a result, most of my accomplishments have been read in the wrong way / with the wrong lens and only now are registering with her. I can’t stress enough how important it is to have a manager that you respect and trust.

Corp. Bites: Overwhelmed

Posted: May 1, 2012 in Ramblings
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I haven’t felt this overwhelmed in a long time…I am stressed because of the long hours I work, the boring place I live in an the inability to find food that isn’t mayo-based, carb-rich or too small.

At work, I’m managing a workstream which I like because it’s a managerial role but having the responsibility of other people which includes those more senior than me is frustrating. The project is something of an fp and the data seems not to exist and because we are a data driven group over here like is hard…

I went to the gym yesterday which sucked. The gym is tiny and has machines I don’t care about, and even though I hadn’t been in a month, I didn’t feel good. I couldn’t sleep last night and dread going in to work. I tell myself it’s only for a few months, but damn.

And the food situation is so dire here that I cook for myself, which is something I haven’t done since I lived in Chelsea…or in about like 8 months.

This is definitely not my city but I’m going to muster through it and travel on the weekends to continue to deprive my body of the rest it needs but to give my soul the happiness it desires.

And I started a new blog which I think will sorta replace this as the priority until I can find more time to work less, live…etc.

And to be totally clear, these are all first world problems. But still.

Corp Bits: Rainmakers

Posted: April 30, 2012 in Everything
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A1: what time is it over there

A1: 8?

A2: 8

A1: grinding maliciously and mercilessly huh

A2: nah, well sorta

A2: i left at 6 to go to the gym

A2: and now i’m making up for it

A1: if i get rich i’m going to create a school

A1: where the only degree is rainmaking

A1: and freshmen have to stand on roofs with sprinklers and literally make it rain

A1: while upperclassman can throw bills

A2: you are silly

A1: dirk nowitzki and spike lee would both be professors

A1: and demonstrate the rainmaking technique

Corp. Bites: Existential Moment

Posted: April 11, 2012 in Ramblings
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On any given day, I remember and forget what I like and what I don’t like.

Today, I remembered that the job function that I have is not what actually motivates me. I don’t really hate my job, it’s more that I know that I’m not 100% good at it. And it isn’t because I can’t be, but because I just don’t want to sacrifice X amount more to be perfect at it. I do love elements of my job.

Now that I’m over on assignment for 4 months and I’m in an office that’s a much more distilled version of what I do, I’m not exactly struggling but I am having to reach so much more. Working longer hours, and forcing myself to think differently is ultimately good for me, but I really don’t enjoy this ‘stretch period.’ It’s like if I had to take organic chemistry because I missed the deadline to drop classes by one week, and I’m not even going to be pre-med. Or like that one time I took Math 1b…for fun…because it counted as an elective when I switched concentrations.

I guess this is good motivation for my next step, since I had been looking at similar options and it’s clear from what I’ve heard and what I know that this won’t be that different if I do the same thing at a different company or in a different group. But I really don’t know what the next step is, but can I figure out what my motivation is?

It’s a bit ridiculous that I don’t know more about myself in areas that are currently pressing (some of which I can’t elaborate on). Or perhaps, it’s that I’ve been sufficiently good at most things in my life and now that I’m not as good at them, I feel like I have to start over from scratch. Or perhaps, I have always taken the easy way out by doing what is expected/typical and that which is easier to execute against. I think this is the more likely case.

Almost everything about me is typical in a way despite how much I am a contrarian (or attempt to be). Ok, that’s not really true. But I am emoting a lot right now, and I’m should probably only write with a clear mind. But I feel like life is just one big high school/college/purgatory, where you have to do a bunch of things you don’t really want to do in order to get to some desired goal.

Or that everything in life is just a means to an end….but there seems to not be much of an end in sight. You just graduate from one interim stage to another, or go from one level of hell to a different level. And in all of that, I came in to work this morning tired, after having worked late, faced with the prospect of working late again.

Thankfully, I decided I needed a pick-me-up and checked my Google Reader, and whew, the smile that was affixed to this sourpuss…I love NY (the city, the state, the over the top entity). I wonder if missing NYC the one redeeming quality of my job has anything to do with things? Anyway, this .gif is giving (almost) everything that I need right now.

Someone really needs to throw me a .gif party ASAP!

Corp Bites: Me, Mayor & Sheriff

Posted: April 7, 2012 in Ramblings
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You’ve all heard me complain about work before, and also mention my favorite boss who is very ‘out there.’ I have used this analogy before, but I find that if I put it into writing, I can refer people here instead of explaining time and time again.

The way my group works is like a town, a very small, but very important town. In this town is the Mayor (the head of our group) and his right hand (wo)man (the secondary leader of the group). The Mayor oversees the town’s citizen’s well being and the Sheriff enforces the laws.

In this scenario, I am a citizen much like my other colleagues. I have had quite a negative first experience in the town, and only a few other citizens would know those. Yet, the natural of the town is that people only stay for a few years, moving on, as others move in.

I have always had a problem with the law as the Sheriff’s and the police force seem to find me difficult and too knowledgeable about the difference between de facto and de jure laws. All of the other citizens don’t understand why I have so much disdain for the law even though I get pulled over all the time, otherwise harassed, etc.

But as everyone knows, the Sheriff and police force included, the Mayor and I are pretty close. I don’t know why, but we are. The police force finds this incredibly annoying and believe that I flaunt this connection and that makes them upset and believing that I take the law less seriously than others. Whenever I complain about the law to my peers, I hear about how being so close to the Mayor is salvation.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. The Mayor knows that everyone knows that he favors me and is sensitive to this, yet fears that he will be showing favoritism. As a result, each petty thing the police force does cannot be excused by the Mayor. Instead, it’s only for the big things where it’s a one-time ‘get out of jail free’ card that there’s any intervention. So on average, I get bothered more by the police despite the Mayor’s high favor of me and that rubs almost all parties the wrong way.

The example above is what work is like on a daily basis, being profiled all of the time.

At our most recent staff meeting, our group was delighted to hear the humblest of humble brags. While rambling on about new tech companies and why our leader doesn’t believe in them…

I have invested $2 in these companies… *scoffs*
….reminds me of 1999, seems like deja vu
The only company I invested in was Double Click..
…they were supposed to be what Google is today *chuckles*
It was good thing that I had to sell it
I invested 50 grand but had to sell it
I had to sell it…I didn’t want to have to least my plane
I made ‘One-two’ on it and was able to buy my plane
Shit. I got a plane out of it.
That plane saved me man

Everyone else hides their….I don’t even know what you call it. We know how wealthy he is and his humble brags are always epic. But the $1.2 M plane one is really quite up there

Corp. Bites: Business Bingo

Posted: March 20, 2012 in Everything
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I expressed a difficulty concentrating in meetings where we’ve done the same presentation 10 times, practiced the same speaking roles 35 times as a team and are then expected to remain engaged as if it’s new for the subsequent times. My manager told me of a fun game that was played in business school: bingo.

The rules:

Strategically place the people who are most likely to participate (this was in the context of business school) and yourself in a bingo square.
Mark your squares when said person participates.
Call bingo, which is a predetermined, and use that word in a sentence as you participate

Enjoy and don’t get caught

Freakonomics: Life of Analyst

Posted: March 14, 2012 in Everything
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via Freakonomics

Learning Curve

Mindset

The Work

Fuck/Marry/Kill

Everybody But Me – Lykke Li

Posted: March 13, 2012 in Videos
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I’ve decided to not write anything about a recent work event where pretty much everyone was promoted but me. There are a few reasons that I was upset about it, but mostly because you realizing that having to be mature and not just complain is hard. You need to vent, but this probably isn’t the best place to do it.

However, I do love a good pity party for myself, so I will treat you to the most apt song I can think of…