Archive for the ‘Tweets’ Category
Tags: 9/11, blackberry, chris brown, iphone, twitter
That annoying moment when your juice box refuses to lose it’s virginity.
Sometimes I sit on the couch watching Rugrats and I wonder what the
fuck am I doing with my life, ya know?
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did except for you.
So all I said was "da-da" and they lost their shit!
Rub a dub dub. Took a shit in the tub.
Tags: abcs, goldman, groupon, ivy league, olympics
#1: The best birth control I know is just not answering her phone calls afterwards. #HearNoEvilSeeNoEvil
#1: Like all ABCs, he’s an avid Lakers, Yankees, Cowboys, and Man U fan…
#1: Most of the medals might as well say ‘Congratulations on wasting your life perfecting a worthless skill.’
#1: Groupon… Food stamps for the middle class.
MD#1: Don’t get married, dude. Marriage is watching someone you love
slowly disintegrate. But perhaps, I am romanticizing it.
#1: Unless you just can’t get into an Ivy League school on merit, why
would you ever claim to be any part Native American?
So I said "da-da" yesterday and they just lost their shit!
And I was all like: Bitch, that ain’t no airplane, that’s a spoon!
Of course Bartender I’m the legal age, 21 months
I’ll take some more Vodka in Sippy cup sir
So yeah, I lost 10 pounds last week, parents had me circumcised.
Fuck Dora. Tell her she can solve her own shit from now on.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he’s ‘the one’
You only drink diet soda? You must be so healthy
I see your argument contains a lot of cuss words. You must really know what you’re talking about.
Oh, you have racing stripes on your car? It must be so fast now, stickers really increase engine performance.
Oh, you’re a whore who’s acting drunk. Your alcohol tolerance is SO high
There should be a weight limit on bikini pictures.
First I’m going to cry, then I’m going to fuck my boyfriend, and then I’m going to break up with him
Unless you’re inviting me to your Malibu house, don’t call me this weekend
Do these eyebrows make me look fat?
I spilled a bottle of champagne on your fake Birkin because I care about you
When I think about the number of manicurists I’ve had deported over the years, I feel awful
If he uses a Blackberry, he’s too old for you.
Ima make a hologram of me doin my "I’m Not The Daddy" dance in case i AM the daddy. I’ll be south of the border n HoloTrey gon shame a bitch
I must say… Technology has come entirely too far for hoes to STILL be takin pictures in the bathroom. Jesus rose. Do better.
I’m not gon wash my balls 20 times a week. Niggas got water bills. Ain’t tryna fornicate wit you 20 times in a MONTH yo.
Who the hell started this "sex 20 times a week" conversation?! Have a fuckin seat hoe, I got a job to go to!
Every kid in the entire world knows they the boss of some shit. You got a bed time lil nigga, eat your fuckin french fries.
Kids are assholes. All of em. Inherently. They be tryna throw smoke screens with the cute shit, but you can’t fool me. I live this shit.
I walk around wit a copy of my retirement plan on me. Like "girl, you fellate me right n you could be set for life".
I promise I’m a dick tho. But bitches have a hard time sayin "no" to a nigga wit paid vacations. I’m desirable as a muhfucka.
There should be a holiday the exact opposite of Valentine’s Day. Where you show your man how much you love him by making yourself scarce.
Sofia Vergara just came on my TV unexpectedly. So did I. And I am not ashamed.
HOW DO YOU WALK AROUND WITH YOUR LABIA EXPOSED?! You don’t feel the wind highlight sticking you fallopian tubes?!
Girl just walked by, and I wanted to tell her that her dress was actually a shirt, but I don’t think she heard me over her loud ass coochie.
Oh, you got Starbucks? Please post a picture on Instagram.
Oh, you say all guys are the same? You must have tried them all.
Please continue to talk about how fat you are, 15 year old girl that weight 115 pounds.
You have an album called Photography on Facebook? You must be a professional.
Oh, your boyfriend hasn’t texted you back yet and its been 5 minutes? He clearly wants to break up with you.
I love it when people send me cards without money in them. I really do.
Your top just reminded me how unflattering green can be. Thanks!
Not to be negative, but I hate your baby’s name. #whitegirlproblems
I’m going to close my eyes and you’re going to take these croutons out
of my salad. #whitegirlproblems
Everyone needs one amazing fat friend. #whitegirlproblems
I consider someone I’ve met once at a party a total stranger, even if
we did do a ton of coke together
A Gosling-free Oscar night is a night for getting blackout wasted,
crying, and texting your ex to come over
OMG, just had the most amazing lemon salad. Not on the menu. Just
lemons, salt, and a plate. #whitegirlproblems
I wrote a poem for the love of my life, my Birkin.
Showed my staff ‘The Help’ as a treat. DON’T worry I played that shit
in English. They thought is was about sad black cooks. #YesImWaspy
I absolutely say horrible things about you to other people. #YesImWaspy
James Franco circa Freaks and Geeks, meets Leo circa Basketball
Diaries, meets Cate Blanchett equals: My boyfriend.
My drug dealer Cosmo just informed me that my addictions have put his
daughter through college. Ha! Fuck you mom! I am charity! #YesImWaspy
For the past two months, my Shaman and I have been trying to figure
out why I stopped having dreams about James Franco.
It’s obviously the year of the dragon, because my Animal Healer had me
rub the backs of 6 lizards in our session today
This is the worst detox salad I’ve ever had. #whitegirlproblems
My advice: get dressed up in a few layers of vintage Comme Des Garcons
and go hang around your local homeless shelter.
Everyone has a psycho bitch lurking inside of them that’s dying to
write all over their boyfriend’s Facebook wall.
I just want to meet a nice guy who will lie to me, steal from me, get
fat and let me hate fuck him. #whitegirlproblems
When the last time you heard a successful/wealthy nigga say rise n grind tho? O Aight. Just checkin.
Lookin back on the past few years of my life… I pray to sweet white baby Jesus I don’t have no daughters.
Daughters are filthy creatures. I know first hand what they’re capable of once they hit young adulthood. I don’t want no parts of that.
And if I should fuck up and shoot an x chromosome out this wang, that niglette ain’t NEVER goin to college. EVER.
Nah real shit tho, chivalry died when hoes started lettin me sample
that mouf without so much as a value meal comin out my pocket.
Like the moment I asked #WhatDatMoufDo n she replied "i can show
better than I can tell", Chivalry was on airbrushed t-shirts n shit.
But chivalry kicked the bucket when picture messaging took off. Aint
gotta leave the toilet to see them titties. Verizon fucked shit up.
But really… Chivalry couldn’t really die if hoes aint start takin
other currency. People givin booty out on credit n shit. That EBT
Also, im not sure there’s a female sans gonorrhea that uses the term
"buss it". Correct me if I’m wrong tho.