On this Valentine’s Day, I think it’s interesting that mental place that I am in right now. I am single, completely single. Yet, last year I was not, and thought about these extravagant plans that I would have. In light of recent events, I have some “only in my life” news to share.
Two weeks ago, I saw the Ex, and we went out to a club together (our second planned club encounter, but third overall). It was an awkward experience. Yes, we are broken up, but we’re “friends” now right? Eh, it’s a bit fuzzy actually. Over the course of the night, I was asked questions about the Ex, like “Oh, who is that?” and upon explanation being told “Oh, you have good taste.” Duh.
Kidding, I was actually repulsed by the level of thirst that was present, especially from someone currently in a relationship. And then I got jealous because I thought:
Why are you interested in my Ex, when you’re in a relationship and you and your friend are fighting over who ‘can look, but not touch’?
Where do they do that at, especially when we haven’t left each other’s side for the entirety of the night. And then I remembered that I needed to fall back. I guess you can’t expect that people who all swap lovers within a consistent group of “friends” would think to have a set of standards. After that annoyance had passed, the Ex and I walked by to my apartment at 3:30am.
Can I take a nap at your place?
I mean, you should just stay, there’s no way you’re going to actually just nap
I disregard that thought and just figure “whatever,” I’ll be right in the end.
We go up to my apt and then something strange happens.
Where’s the blue teddy bear?
The blue teddy bear. You didn’t keep it?
It’s at my house…where my parents live
I mean, why would I keep that, it’s the same reason that I have you hidden from my Facebook newsfeed
And then we delved into a discussion of why we broke up…as we made our way to my bed. It was surreal. It was actually a very productive discussion, and one that we should have had about a year ago (that’s my fault, really).
Yet, a few days later I felt really confused: What were we? Are we getting back together, or we completely over each other? Do you know that I didn’t want to break up? Do you know that my feelings for the past 10 months or so have been still affected and that I’m not completely over it?
At that moment, I had to talk to the most rational (and compassionate) person I know. She gave the best advice, and then I finally got why she and her Ex had a seemingly unhealthy affinity for each other. Some things just cannot be explained. I get it now. I hated her Ex, and never really understood it. But now I get it, now I am someone that I had not fully understood for a long period of time. With that knowledge burned into my thought, I decided that I needed closure. I had to have a conversation about what we were/are.
Do you remember what you said on Friday?
Yes…did I say something that I shouldn’t have?
I’m just checking. From what you said, it’s unclear what you want. What are we?
We are *friends*
Ok, well *friends* don’t behave like this…so for the future, I think we need to have some boundaries.
I can’t account for what I do or say when I’m drunk
Ok, that’s fine. But, you might not know that I’m not really over it so you might want to be mindful of what you say
And at that point, I was somewhat OK with this. I had the closure that I was looking for, yet I had some control because now we would have boundaries…and I wouldn’t be as subject to nostalgic feelings. We decided we can hang out, etc.
Although there was one thing that still confused the black-and-white mind that I have: friends don’t cuddle. Yet, it was this past Friday that we went to a party together, and were going to go out after…but you know the need for a nap came about again, and then we obviously didn’t go out after. So we slept, and we cuddled. And then we had breakfast the next morning, and talked some more. And I think I finally get it now, I understand the perspective that I couldn’t see when we were dating.
But now what? Are we just cuddle friends? Will be anything more? Should we be, can we be?
I just disregard those questions above as things I should not think about, because it’s not healthy to think about. I do however, think that we can become good friends (worse/best case); although this cuddling thing does throw me off. I don’t cuddle with people, not readily. It’s really a relationship exclusive perk (slash one given to my best FWBs).
Is this even emotionally healthy to maintain? Perhaps not, but I guess we’ll just be “fuzzy” friends, as the delineation between *friends* and *not friends* is not clear in my very binary and compartmentalized definition of friendship. I will at some point have to decide if this is good or bad for me overall, but I can’t help but feel comfortable around someone with so many similar interests and tastes when I consider myself to be idiosyncratic. And at the same time challenged enough that I don’t get bored, because you might not know that I am easily distracted.
So as I reflect on this Valentine’s Day, I am thinking about these past two weeks and the emotions that have swirled, swooped and peaked. I am very content being single right now, and I don’t feel lonely or otherwise slighted. I am in a much better place than I have been in previous years. I feel good about this, and it’s kinda weird how OK I feel. I guess this means that I have matured a bit? Whatever it is, I like it.