Corp. Bites: Existential Moment

Posted: April 11, 2012 in Ramblings
Tags: ,

On any given day, I remember and forget what I like and what I don’t like.

Today, I remembered that the job function that I have is not what actually motivates me. I don’t really hate my job, it’s more that I know that I’m not 100% good at it. And it isn’t because I can’t be, but because I just don’t want to sacrifice X amount more to be perfect at it. I do love elements of my job.

Now that I’m over on assignment for 4 months and I’m in an office that’s a much more distilled version of what I do, I’m not exactly struggling but I am having to reach so much more. Working longer hours, and forcing myself to think differently is ultimately good for me, but I really don’t enjoy this ‘stretch period.’ It’s like if I had to take organic chemistry because I missed the deadline to drop classes by one week, and I’m not even going to be pre-med. Or like that one time I took Math 1b…for fun…because it counted as an elective when I switched concentrations.

I guess this is good motivation for my next step, since I had been looking at similar options and it’s clear from what I’ve heard and what I know that this won’t be that different if I do the same thing at a different company or in a different group. But I really don’t know what the next step is, but can I figure out what my motivation is?

It’s a bit ridiculous that I don’t know more about myself in areas that are currently pressing (some of which I can’t elaborate on). Or perhaps, it’s that I’ve been sufficiently good at most things in my life and now that I’m not as good at them, I feel like I have to start over from scratch. Or perhaps, I have always taken the easy way out by doing what is expected/typical and that which is easier to execute against. I think this is the more likely case.

Almost everything about me is typical in a way despite how much I am a contrarian (or attempt to be). Ok, that’s not really true. But I am emoting a lot right now, and I’m should probably only write with a clear mind. But I feel like life is just one big high school/college/purgatory, where you have to do a bunch of things you don’t really want to do in order to get to some desired goal.

Or that everything in life is just a means to an end….but there seems to not be much of an end in sight. You just graduate from one interim stage to another, or go from one level of hell to a different level. And in all of that, I came in to work this morning tired, after having worked late, faced with the prospect of working late again.

Thankfully, I decided I needed a pick-me-up and checked my Google Reader, and whew, the smile that was affixed to this sourpuss…I love NY (the city, the state, the over the top entity). I wonder if missing NYC the one redeeming quality of my job has anything to do with things? Anyway, this .gif is giving (almost) everything that I need right now.

Someone really needs to throw me a .gif party ASAP!

  1. Anonymous says:

    nyc sucks.


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