TC: You’re Not Allowed To Love Me Anymore

Posted: February 27, 2012 in Everything
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via Thought Catalog

Did you hear that? Visiting hours are over. Your membership to my mind and body has been revoked. Now go home with your tail between your legs because you don’t get to love me anymore. In fact, you lost that right some time ago. I used to be open 24/7 like some trashy diner or a pharmacy, but that was before everything bad that ever happened and now I’m just closed up for good. Just another thing that’s boarded you up along some disgusting highway. Your name is scrawled over it like graffiti.

Remember when I let you touch me? Remember when you owned stock in my dick? At a certain point, it felt like my body was more yours than it was even mine. You could do anything you wanted to me. Isn’t that an amazing feeling? Knowing that someone trusts you so completely you have free rein over them? When you have this power, you’re not supposed to abuse it. You’re supposed to always have their best interests at heart and protect your investment. You shouldn’t trade your stock! Hold on it, watch it grow in value.

Right. Why doesn’t it ever work out this way? Why do the people who are supposed to protect you often end up leaving you for dead? The Great Depression. The stock market’s terrible right now because of you. People are losing their homes because of your wandering eye.

There was a time when I accepted everything you said as truth. No questions asked. Why would I? Had you ever given me reason to doubt you? Your presence was always met with vulnerability and openness. I had no control over it. Whenever you would appear, I’d just open up for you. (Wait, ew.) Do you even know how special that is? Why would you ever screw up such a good gig?

You used to have all of me and now you have nothing. Not a damn thing. Not even a pinky toe. You could touch my neck/ my butt/ my ear/ my bellybutton whenever you wanted. You could’ve cried to me in bed and I would’ve been like, “OMG BEB! What’s wrong? Tell me more!” You could’ve gotten me to move somewhere like Montana with six roommates and I would’ve been like, “Um, okay…” Isn’t that so crazy? Everything to nothing in a single moment. All-acesss pass to blacklisted. From unguarded intimacy to being a stranger.

The worst part is that you’re surprised. “I don’t even get a pinky toe? After all we’ve been through together?” Um, no. And the fact that you’re surprised, the fact that you think everything somehow could be okay, makes me more unrelenting in my stance against you, against us. The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste.

I’m desperately trying to get to this place, desperately. I am going to have to force myself here.

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