I’m not ready, just not ready yet

Posted: February 27, 2012 in Ramblings

I went on the date that I mentioned, but of course right before it — I get a text from the Ex wanting to meet up. I had to decline, although I wanted to meet up.

Instead, to the movies I went. The movies were just the beginning of a great ‘real’ date despite all of the requests for intimacy in the movie theatre which made me both uncomfortable and nostalgic for when I did like being the PDA couple in the movie. After the movie, we headed over to a karoake bar.

Upon entering an empty karoake bar and with a tone-mute self, I was not really looking forward to this experience. And then I was serenaded with Alicia Keys’ "Diary," one of my favorite songs and started to feel some kind of way. It was so unfortunate that I was not with someone that I could appreciate the amazingness of this date with. It’s a really bad thing when you’re on a great date…except that it’s with the wrong person but everything else is ‘perfect.’ And when you’re sung to by a talent that was *not* booed off of the Apollo you kinda realize shit is serious. And when you end it off by singing Enrique’s "Hero" to me in an empty bar. Whew.

Unfortunately, I was not into it. It just was not who I wanted to be with. It did everything for me but did nothing for me at the same time.

And to kill this ill-fated love affair was hearing Evanescence’s "My Immortal" on the way out. Cue the emotions, nostalgia and memories for someone that I (pretend) consider an immortal love. No date can really ever recover when it’s that perfect but you feel next to nothing inside, or at least not for the person you’re with. So of course, I start thinking: I’m just not ready, I have not moved on enough to let anyone else into my world.

I talked to several friends and realized being "fuzzy friends" is just not healthy. I don’t feel like I’m being used, but I do realize we are both unhealthy crutches on each other, and that for me it’s a very binary decision. We have to be friends or lovers, we can’t be anywhere in between. I can’t psychologically handle that looseness nor is it productive for my future dates/relationships. I didn’t really know what to do, because I knew what I wanted and what I needed but refused to not allow myself to have both. And then, something happened.

I’m going abroad on an assignment for a few months, and something has decided for me. I know that distance will make my heart grow more compartmentalized, and new experiences will hopefully allow me meet people and force myself into a new rhythm. Although I am nervous, I am excited in a way. I know that Europeans love me, and that I need to be interested/occupied by something, so things may be looking up for me.


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