Lately, I have been writing a lot about my feelings and where my emotional state is and have been learning so much.
When I first started this blog, I was single and wondering when I would have my "Just Haven’t Met You Yet" moment. I was curious as to when I was going to find someone that would make me happy, and would get me, and I would get them. And we met. I was initially convinced it was "Indestructible," and I was obviously wrong. We broke up.
And now that it’s been almost an entire year later, we’ve run into each other in a few awkward encounters (for me, at least). And then a few not so awkward and planned encounters that have lead us to a very undefined "friendship."
If I am being honest, I am still having a hard time moving on. I think there are a few reasons that are worth mentioning. We’ve both matured significantly since we met, yet still have a sense of comfort with each other that I have replicated with very few people since…and obviously none that have continued to date.
And as I started saying why I was having a difficult time moving on, a lot of things were revealed that I should really own up to. For instance, I don’t really make myself all that available to other people or I write everyone off as "boring, basic, out of my league" or "other." The "other" category is funny because it’s such a catch all and reveals how not seriously I take people.
I started thinking about the people that I’ve met that were perfect for me — just not perfect for me when they found me. Something that I’ve been contending with lately is what happens when you meet someone that is actually exactly what you need and/or what, but not the current you. What happens if you meet your soul mate but you’re not ready, and you lose them? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m not saying we were soul mates, but a meaningful connection is so significant that you would never really wish it from existence.
However, yesterday, I ran into someone that I’ve meet out a few times and have exchanged numbers, etc and always deflected anything possible romance. Even though this third time I decided to be a bit more polite, I realized that I find all of the right actions so foreign that I immediately laugh or dismiss all of the things that I’m looking for. It’s refreshing and surprising when I get what I need, but can’t cut out my own bullshit to let someone get to know me. The best thing that I took from last night was being asked/told "Why don’t you let me get to know you, and you actually let me get to know you."
Tonight, that is what I’m doing. I’m going on a date. I am putting my shallowness aside and trying to remember that I really have been finding it difficult to find hot people interesting and interesting people hot, so I will just let the new driver of my libido and interest drive this forward — the driver being interpersonal connection, shared interests, etc. I know that last part seems intuitive if not expected, but I am so aesthetically-oriented that I easily get distracted, swayed and influenced more by the messenger than the message.