I’m living a very ‘New Adventures of Old Christine’ life these days, and learning so much about myself. I’ve become inspired to write about how how I lack of focus and that I think I may have a genuine ‘disorder’ like ADD/ADHD…or I have a brain so desensitized to stimulus that I have to overload it to feel anything.
I was ‘called out’ for not being able to focus in a conversation, unable to not observe my surroundings while holding this full conversation. And at work, I have been given feedback that I appear disengaged when others are speaking (20% of the time), yet I can follow up with an excellent question. It’s so foreign that this ‘flaw’ is now being fully dealt with. Even now, I have my tv on and this computer on, listening to music and writing. Recently, I have taken to using two computers because of the ease of going between browsers, tabs and windows. Did you know that I have over 100 tabs currently open on my work computer and personal computer?
Now when I really think about it, the reason it was never a problem was because I have always been effective at getting things done when only results matter. In school, I would do my homework for class A in class B. In college, I would have two side-by-side windows open in every lecture: Facebook/social media and Word to take notes. The times when I am forced to focus on just one thing, I would fall asleep – Hello, MCB 80. Or how I have always done my homework and written essays with music or in a busy environment; I spent my time in the dhall writing essays in college because I couldn’t focus in a silent setting.
Now that I’ve happened upon situations where the process is important, I don’t do as well ‘tasking’ as opposed to multitasking. At work, where relationships matter and we have so much team time and face-to-face interaction that is often repetitive I find it difficult to keep my brain stimulated, not because it is not interesting but because the novelty quickly wears off and my brain can start to fill in the not so blank blanks. I think this isn’t as much of an issue, because I can always feign genuine engagement after the 30th dry run presentation. However, when it comes to relationships that are much more lasting, I do have to learn to focus.
I think that my inability to focus has led me to be very adventurous when it comes people (take that for what it is), but that eventually I do get bored. I’m now trying to find ways to find interesting/mysterious people that are a constant source of work for my brain OR a way to think less, and focus more. I can’t sit through a date without looking around while engaged in conversation nor can I remain on the phone, phone pressed to ear. I have to use headphones so that I can multitask while I’m speaking. And this got me to thinking that I might just have a problem with being desensitized.
The amount of things that I do for the rush alone support this idea, and my precipitous drop in interest of said person or activity is further support. Is there a fix to this? Do I want it? I think much of who I am and what makes me unique is how I process tons of information/stimuli and think about everything. Would I be willing to give that up with say a Ritalin or the like?